Author Archive for AVANTI KUMAR

The Tailor as Vishnu

“The Tailor As Vishnu”

A fable of old India

By AVANTI KUMAR

Long, long ago, in the country of the Gandas in a city named
Pundravardanam, a young tailor and a carpenter, dressed in their best
clothes, wandered through the crowd, celebrating a great festival.

They walked beside the Palace, marvelling at the majestic spires gleaming in the warm fragrant Sunlight.

The tailor looked up and there he beheld a wondrous girl dressed in
ravishing white silks. Her matchless beauty transfixed his heart. His friend
tugged at his sleeve, “Come away, my friend, you cannot hope to win the
Princess.”

But as the days passed it became apparent to Hariswami that the tailor had
become so distraught for love he could not continue to live. He came upon
Ajay sitting outside his house on the river bank in silent gloom. “My friend, it
pains me much to see you in this sorrowful state.”

Ajay said, “I cannot help it. I must go to her. I must win her. Help me,
Hariswami; you were always the bright one. Conceive a plan that I may win
her – for I desire naught but her…Ahhh!….She is as lovely as a thousand
stars, with a form so gracious—.”

“Be silent, Ajay! I am trying to think….”

***

Three weeks later, Ajay received a messenger. A little boy in rags had come
upon him. Ajay was so much in trance he did not hear him. So the boy took
hold of Ajay’s hair and pulled him off his seat.

From the dust, the tailor said angrily, “What do you want, you scragamuffin!”

The boy retreated some distance and said, “Your friend the carpenter wants you to go to him – straightaway!”

A few minutes later, Hariswami welcomed him into the house. “Come into my
work-building – I have a surprise for you.”

Ajay followed him and then, stopped in amazement, at the door.

In the middle of the building, on the floor, was a large bird, made of wood
and painted in glowing gold, silver and white. “What is it?” “It’s a wonderful
aerial car whereby you can fly to the Rajkumari. It will impress her into loving
you – I am sure of it. It is painted like Lord Vishnu’s flying chariot – the great
bird from Heaven: Garuda!” Hariswami said.

“But you know it is forbidden for any citizen to make a vimana without Royal
Permission. Are you forgetting the old days? Skies filled with battling flying
machines!”

But Hariswami calmed him, “Who will know? It does not look like the old
machines. It is disguised…looking from the ground would you say it looks
round and silver? Also remember it will be dark – and…the Princess is the
loveliest girl in the land…”

***

The Rajkumari slept alone on her balcony under the warm sparkling night
sky. As was her custom, she gazed into the heavens, sighing at the Moon.
And then, she watched with growing disbelief as a shining huge bird came
out of the sky and rested beside her. From out of it stepped a beautiful youth
dressed in fine attire, surrounded by clouds of fresh incense.

The Princess knelt at his feet.

“I am Vishnu the God!”

The maiden did not dare look up. In unaccustomed timidity, she asked,
“What does the King of Heaven and the Lord of the Sun want with me?”

“You were my wife in former incarnations,” and he knelt in front of her bowed
figure. “I have come for you, mere Saajni, my dear one.” And he embraced
her.

And they stood beside each other and looked upwards. “At this moment,” he
said, “we are being wed under the stars. The devas of the air and the water
are singing. See how the stars wink and glow at our reunion!”

And then nightly he visited the Rajkumari and as each Sunrise illumined
their lovemaking, he said a fond farewell and ascended to the heavens.

***

“Doesn’t our dear princess look so bright and happy nowadays,” said the
Queen to her husband at their morning meal. “I do believe she has
consented to marry King Vikramasena.”

“What! That tyrant, the barbaric—.”

“But, my Lord, it is surely a match in everyone’s best interests? I hear the
King Vikramasena has threatened to invade if we do not approve of the
union.”

“Hmm… I do not approve of his style of courtship. What does the Princess
say?”

The Princess said, “I do not want to marry anyone – for I am already united.”
And she smiled, her thoughts far away…

The King and Queen looked at each other thoughtfully.

***

That night the King concealed himself to watch his daughter. And in the
morning, he said, “Your lover must die!”

“You cannot kill my husband. He is more powerful than any upon the Earth.”

“Every man bleeds when he is cut by my mighty sword!”

“Yes, but you cannot harm a God-!”

“A God?”

“He comes to me every night from Sani – the Sun!”

“Aah…she is mad!” cried the Queen and fainted.

The King and Queen were delighted at Vishnu making love to their daughter.

At Court, the King pronounced: “With Vishnu as my Son-in-law I will conquer
the Three Worlds.” And he refused to pay further tribute to King
Vikramasena.

Vikramasena, after he had led his armies into the Gandas and surrounded
the city walls, declared war and delivered an ultimatum.

“Your Majesty, a soldier comes under a flag of truce!”

“We will receive him,” said the King, who had refused to recruit an army,
informing the people, “with Blessed Vishnu on our side who needs soldiers!”

“The Great King, His Mightiness, the Vikramasena, Lord of the North, Brave
Warrior of–!”

“You can cut all that out,” said the King. “What’s the message?”“…In his great
Mercy, my Mighty King will give you one final chance. Send to him your
Gracious Daughter, the lovely princess, hair of —-!”

“Are you a soldier or a poet?! I’ve heard enough! We hereby challenge your
Vikramasena to hand-to-hand combat with my Son-in-law. At dawn
tomorrow. Outside the North Gates.”

***

The Princess was prevailed upon to ask the God to honour the challenge.

And as Vishnu stepped onto his flying machine, he answered, “I…er…yes…”
And the gold and silver bird flew off so quickly that the Princess’s hair flew
back in the wind.

Hariswami watched the craft land some minutes later and helped Ajay to
push the machine into his work-building.

“It is time to stop. Have you not had enough?”

“No,” Ajay said. “Never! princess is mine for always even as in past
incarnations. Life without my Rajkumari will be death.”

“Perhaps the Warrior King will imagine you to be the real Vishnu and flee,”
said Hariswami half-heartedly, for he knew Vikramasena was a Master of
the black arts and had boasted his strength equal to that of any Son of
Heaven.

“I will have to fight. I promised her. And I have never broken a promise to her.
Lied to her on thing – yes, but never broken a promise…”

***

From above, the real Vishnu had watched the tailor’s impersonation and He
decided to take an active part in the forthcoming fray. So that dawn when
Ajay, with heavy heart, left his Rajkumari to go to battle Vishnu Himself
entered his body in a flash of golden light.

As the Sun rose it illuminated the city and the surrounding Indian forests.
Thousands of invaders lined up to watch. The city walls took the weight of
city-dwellers.

Nobles, including the Princess, watched from flying craft hovering above. She watched the familiar flashing gold and silver birdchariot descend to the ground.

Out stepped Vishnu.

Vikramasena formed himself into a bat and hid in the crevice of a large rock.
Vishnu levitated into the air and became a silver-white sphere and moved in
circles around the area – very quickly.

Vikramasena resumed his form and took up his ray projector and fired onetwo-
three black beams of power.

In a flash, Vishnu adopted humanoid form, threw himself away from the black
beams. He fell onto the ground as if wounded.

Vikramasena levitated and flew towards the body.

Vishnu suddenly shot into the air and formulated from his right hand a white
disc of light. The discus spun around in a wide arc and approached his
adversary from behind and cut Vikramasena in half and returned to Vishnu’s
body.

The invaders fled in confusion as the two halves of Vikramasena’s body
disintegrated into dust.

Vishnu flew down to the ground and with lightning speed left Ajay’s body
and, invisible to the crowd, sped through the clouds to another world that
required His help and attention.

Ajay breathed a silent prayer of gratitude to Vishnu and was covered in
clouds of red, white and blue flowers. Cheers rang out, drums, trumpets and
conches sounded throughout the land. And the Rajkumari embraced him in
the Sunlight.

And so Ajay the tailor claimed the vast wealth of the defeated enemy and
married his Rajkumari and, I do believe, lived happily and peacefully ever
after.

***
© Avanti Kumar 1999, 2008

The First Thrill

In today’s world, when anyone can easily publish a work through the Internet, it still gives me a thrill to have a book accepted by a traditional book publisher.

Though I have had other writings accepted (plays for radio, TV and journalism), this is my first book: a nonfiction title called The Science of Happiness.  United States publisher Marshall Cavendish intends to publish it in 2009.

To me, having a book published by an old established firm is rather like to seeing your own child come out into the world. Moreover, to maintain tradition, there will even be a Foreword (something you do not see much of nowadays) written by renowned psychologist Dr Robert Holden, who recently appeared on the Oprah show (www.happiness.co.uk).

In the last decade, it would be apt to say that most traditional publishers would not have the interest to scan online sites for potential authors.

One writer told of the three months he spent wrangling over a contract with a traditional publisher, while his online book received 500,000 hits a day. In the end, he said he did not need the publisher.

As a writer - rather than an entrepreneur -, I take a slightly more traditional view. Then this is based on the credibility and brand power that is still attached to traditional publishing. Perhaps it is a little like the vast difference in credibility between PR and advertising.

A work accepted by an established third party as opposed to self-publishing seems to have the added weight, not to mention the enormous confidence-boost that most writers need.

By the way, my apologies: I am unable to post extracts from the book on my site due to copyright reasons, but from time to time, I’ll post some impressions of the publishing process, This may provide some interesting comparisons to e-publishing.

More later.
Kuala Lumpur, July 11 2008

The Secret of Religion

As a boy, growing up in London, I once asked this question of one of my teachers at that time.

Emerson - a scientist who said mysticism was the only complete science - told me this: “Like all things the answer is absurdly simple: the secret of religion is to always behave as if the other person is the living embodiment of your religion.”
He explained, “This means that if you are - or choose to be - a Christian simply then every one you work with, meet, interact with is Christ. If you are Muslim, everyone - regardless of race, age or position in life - is the Prophet. If you are a Hindu, you have a variety of choices from Krishna, Rama right through to your own chosen Guru.”

I clearly remember being thrilled with this answer. I said that this means the world would be different overnight?

“Yes, it should have been different each time a bringer of religion stepped away from this world. Everyone is a failure at religion and has no right to give any religious opinion or take the name of religion unless he or she has fulfilled this first step It is a deep and serious law as one will find out very soon after death.

“As I said - the deepest things are absurdly simple. By seeing everyone in this way, you will see yourself in the same light.”

Emerson then withdrew for the day. There was nothing else for him to say.

Ugliness is learned

“Ugliness is a both a learned concept and skin deep,” said Khambatta, one of my teachers while I grew up in London.

I’d reached the ripe age of eleven and had started writing on a typewriter as yet another milestone of being serious about the writing vice.

Admittedly, I started off with the idea of wanting to be a writer from an old UK TV series called Jason King. Now clearly seen as a wild fantasy of the writer’s luxurious lifestyle.

Writers who wanted their work to be seriously-considered were told to focus on the grit in life.

“Yes, the grit is there but so is the beauty within the grit. Grit, after all, is a creation of the divine. Crap is what man reduces creation to,” said Khambatta. He even ended with a preposition just show how ugly prose can be.

Khambatta continued, “Beauty is the essence behind all things because it derives from the creative principle…call it God, Divine Mother or a trillion other names used in the galaxies.”

Wow, I said. Come back to planet Earth.

“True. The word “god” is dynamite enough for the meagre levels at which we think,” he said.

At the time of course like most kids I shared this view of humankind.

I saw things in black and white with greater confidence, back then.

Greatness, expertly hidden

“Much as that may be true on many levels, humanity has greatness hidden expertly away in millenia of laziness, and selfishness. Selfishness is laziness,” Khambatta told me.

His phrases had a way of infiltrating themselves into my brain cells.

He continued, “If everything that exists is from the creator - then everything is beautiful. From where did the idea of ugliness come?

“From the idea that there is separation. Beauty is oneness. We are vitally connected to every manifest and unmanifest aspect of everything that is, ever was, every will be.”

Ugliness is a lie

But when I see someone maimed from an accident, when I see someone with his brains living outside his skull from birth - I have to say my mind thinks - yuck! But I of course never voice this.

With that attitude, it naturally took me a while to realise that interesting writing needed to be bold and honest.

“It is your perception that is at fault. Whether you see a leprous face or an insect who wants to bite you: it is beautiful.”

Even if the bite of a cobra kills you? I said.

He laughed, “Lets not get carried away. Yes - in theory - all is beautiful but it depends on the level you choose to operate. If confronted by a cobra, you may choose to come down a few levels and run - or kill.”

But…

“But that is the joy of dilemma!” said Khambatta. “Horseshit helps to make flowers.”

Obssession with dilemmas

“Humankind loves dilemma. Daily, they invent it, They see only dilemma. If they do not see something to fight about - they have no choice but to clearly see reality,” he said.

What is reality? This was a question I asked him daily, until he told me to shut up and to address such questions to the only person that matters. He tapped me on the chest.

“In any case. No words will describe reality. It is many levels above speech. Oneness is a word which comes fairly close to the fruitful path.”

So is there an answer to whether ugliness exists? said I.

Khambatta repeated: “Ugliness exists only as a perception. But there are beings in the cosmos who would easily meet your definition of ugliness.

So I am in a bind.

“On one level, the eternal viewpoint: there is no ugliness. On the temporary level: yes, there is…but hopefully it will not be perceived as ugliness forever: transmutation of all things is an inevitable force towards evolution…” he ended the talk as darkness had fallen and he was needed elsewhere.

Often I felt that Khambatta lives on levels unrelated to gritty tube trains, traffic jams, drug addicts lying around on streets, but then again he may have a point.

As a writer, I want to see deeply as possible to the living essence within all life. I fail many times to reach the level of experiencing the beauty, most especially when I look at myself.

…But then Khambatta would say I am not looking deeply enough!

- Kuala Lumpur, 8th May 2008

Politicians go to hell

Khambatta, one of my teachers during childhood in London, had a pretty negative view of people on this planet.
As a master, he admitted that all life was joy-filled light and divine, including people; but as individuals, he said, “people stink”.

A wide-eyed boy, I revolted. Actually, my usual reaction to Khambatta - and my other teachers’ comments - was firstly one of revolt, often tinged with a healthy dose of doubt.

“What they do stinks,” Khambatta said. “For instance when human souls are put in the position of teachers and politicians - given power over others - always, they screw it up big time. In fact 99 per cent of politicians go to hell at the end of the incarnation for abuse of power for personal ends.”

“What about people like Gandhi…?”

“The one or two in history who do not screw (he used a different more obscene word here actually) it up are not even from this world, but portions of intelligence from the higher planes of other worlds.”

“What - all the good ones are from somewhere else?!”

“With one or two exceptions, yes,” he insisted.

He then gave me a few more words:

“Life is all about being put in positions and seeing how you respond. When you are ready, you will be given power over others, usually as politicians or teachers. The management of power is the one experience that people on this planet fail at, without fail! It led to the downfall of three previous civilisations and leads to the downfall of many human souls every day.”

I have to admit that this little lesson kept me back from accepting certain positions offered during my life up to now. Maybe Khambatta wanted to hold me back from failure until I was really good and ready. Or maybe it is just an excuse to avoid doing good for others?

All I know is whenever one of my friends enters a position of power, I feel that he or she is about to enter the worst - and the best - phase in life.

Malaysia, the country I love and have lived in for eight years is going through a revolution of sorts in politics. While the potential for positives has suddenly become apparent, as a foreigner, I hope all the choices made every day are the right ones.

Tread carefully, warned Khambatta. For you can too easily become like the ones you used to scorn. The difference between personal and impersonal ends is more subtle than the sharpest blade in the universe.

Kuala Lumpur, April 9, 2008

Spirit is in your heart, religion and politics is totally external

my-typewriter.JPG

“Spirit is deep within you,” so said Khambatta, a teacher I had the good fortune to have in my boyhood days in London. “But politics - and religion - is made by humans. No argument. It is external. Both lead to divisive ends.”

So what you mean, I asked, is that politics and religion should be ignored by those who are truly “spiritual”?

“Not at all. Being ’spiritual’ is a misnomer. All are beings of perfect spirit. You do not have to ‘aspire’ to be something you already are! What I am saying,” he continued, “is that if you choose to drop to the levels of physical politics and religion you must retain your link to spirit - the essence of which is oneness. Otherwise you are doomed to replay your mistakes.

“If a nation of group chooses to enwrap itself into politics or religion — and there is absolutely no difference between the twain — then tough lessons will always follow. Karma is not fooled. Karma’s mills grinds exactly and always at the right moment. Karma’s eventual purpose is to show you the unified spirit and nothing less.”

Wish I had Khambatta’s turn of phrase. Whenever I contemplate his words, I always receive a fresh stream of visuals and intuitions that build slowly into understanding; the foundation of wisdom, which is defined as ‘knowledge that has been passed through the heart’.

As I sit today in my beloved Malaysia - a British foreigner of Asian roots, with a second home here - I am troubled - as I see so many of my Malaysian friends dive unheeding into the sticky morass of religion-laden politics.

Yet, I have seen spirit shine in all of my dear Malaysian friends. So I help - however I can and I observe - as a correspondent - the continued birthing pains of a country whose efforts may spell the future of the world as a whole.

- Kuala Lumpur, 15 December 2007.

Blundering my way to Bliss

third-brain.gif

People have accused me of many things. The worst insult they have thrown at me is that I am a teacher.

No way.

I blundered all the way to my bits of insight and inner joy. Not proud of it. Just stating a fact.

And I am not getting any wiser in my every day actions, judging by my continued fumbling at work and at play.

But then confidence is an illusion that one knows what one is doing.

“Confidence is utter crap,” my teacher, Khambatta, used to say when I was a boy in my hometown of London.

“The moment you meet someone who thinks they are confident about how to do things, know that you’ve met an idiot. A benign idiot, perhaps. But definitely one on the road that leads to nowhere,” he said.

Tough words in a world that needs clarity.

Constructing mental prisons
In work or play, Khambatta explained, you are always operating with a fraction of your real awareness. “In truth, you don’t know who you are, and therefore cannot see clearly what is around you.

“Your only protection lies in a surrendered mind that sees with all senses everything and everybody, including yourself, anew every moment…this is the only chance you have at anything resembling success and happiness.”

Khambatta continued, “You will limit your life and happiness by putting up too many thoughts and ideas about how you want things and people to be. Everyone pushes away the people they should have in their lives by stubbornly insisting on what people should be like and how they should behave towards you.”

The result: most people and opportunities for happiness will pass you by - with your full consent!

It seems that who you are now is, and always will be, complete.
Providing you do not imprison yourself with too many illusions built with “confident” thoughts.

Important advice
By the way, I’ve received some queries about Khambatta. He was one of my early teachers. He passed out of my sight when I was nineteen. A quiet but powerful little figure. His words have somehow been etched into a layer of my subconcious so that whenever I get into the right mood, I can vividly recall key scenes.

The right teacher will have enough awareness of your past and present journey to ascertain your future experience.

Any advice from such a teacher has high personal relevance. Its for your own good to take note.

A student-teacher relationship is in some ways more private than most other kinds. So I will only say that I have tried to follow all advice.

My teachers had different views about personal relationships. Most encouraged me to live and enjoy all normal things in the world.

However, there was only one personal bit of advice I have fought against.

Khambatta, one day, stood up and looked down into my eyes and said:
“Stay away from certain ladies.”

Again — in my quest to find out who the “certain” ladies are — I continue to blunder in this part of life as well.

With heart and eyes open.

- written in Kuala Lumpur, 19 October 2007

Are you doomed to hell?

Typewriter

“You’re in hell already, mate,” John Barstow told me one April evening in 1998.
It was in Victoria Station, London; we’d met for a quick drink before boarding Friday evening trains for the weekend.

“Let’s say that heaven and hell do not exist,” I mumbled. “Except as - metaphors.”

“Crap,” he said wisely.

This was some years ago - and I had been a full time writer of plays since university; then something happened. My emotional life exploded, while my creative urge imploded. I wanted to have nothing to do with feelings and with the writing of such.

Barstow said, “You’ve just committed suicide. And that’s a mortal sin, mate.”

I just been through three years of emotional hell - this won’t be any worse; in fact, it might pull me back to life. I told him, Inwardly - I feel divorced.

“You can change your mind,” he said.

However, to write or not to write was no longer my question.

Meanings of hell
When I was a boy in London, one of my philosophy teachers, old Mr Khambatta did try and teach me some practical sense.

Khambatta said, “Hell is created on many levels but is energised by fear. Fear and its opposite - love - are at the bottom of our actions; and reactions. Fear feeds competition.”

His approach and language was calculated to keep the attention of a boy in his teens.

“Don’t give me the crap about competition building strong vibrant souls,” Khambatta continued.

“Systems of competition in school breed psychosis, build empires based on slavery and exaggerate a misguided sense of separation.”

As I insisted on learning lessons the hard way, it was much, much later, that I realised these things:

Truth is there is no one special on this planet, save the one spirit behind it all.

Anyone being “special” or doing anything “special” is channeling the one spirit behind it all. This is why enlightened souls have such humility: they just know the truth; they did not do anything except realise they were vessels. The one life is infinitely creative, limited only be the clarity of each vessel through which it has to come.

Specialness is a form of mental sickness, stemming again from fear.

The power of love - and I’m not necessarily talking about romantic codswallap - though even part of that relationship has its apparently pleasant phases - is quite simple built on the reality of oneness: there is one life illuminating every thing, whether animate or apparently inanimate.
And where do such thoughts come from?

Fear stops writing. Love powers it. Writing Down the Bones is a must-read for those writers who have lost their way and slipped into sterility.

Resurrection in writing

It was a hot day in November, 1999, some years later, when hell started to disintegrate.

On Langkawi, an island off Malaysia, a whole series of scenes suddenly leapt into my inner vision. It had been so many years since I experienced this part of the mind working that I thought I had gone temporarily insane.

On that humid beach, sitting under palm trees with the high pitched whine of insects, something had returned to life.

While writing unfortunately does not stop wars; harnessing the right stream of thoughts at the right time in the right place brings miracles.

“Writing is survival,” said Ray Bradbury, in his insightful preface to Zen in the Art of Writing: another must-read for whatever kind of writer you want to be.

If you are here to write, and you don’t, you will die a kind of death. But once you resume writing, well: resurrection abounds.

Put another way: you must stay drunk on writing so that every day life does not destroy you.

- Letter from Malaysia, writing from in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

The Noose, a short story

First Drafts by AVANTIKUMAR

I wrote the first draft below when I was about thirteen. Later, the BBC produced a radio drama version for Radio 3. Your feedback is welcome.


THE NOOSE
by
AVANTI KUMAR

My Medical Experience has Convinced Me that Drunkenness is Bad for People

- Eryximachus - Plato’s Symposium 416 B

***

September 8. London.

- Is he awake yet?
- Wasn’t ten minutes ago. Least I don’t think he was.
- Oh yeah…Just lying on the bunk, was he…staring up at the ceiling. Not saying a word, not a whisper of a noise.
- Yes, “they’re” not usually like that. Usually, they’re a noisy lot. I hear some people can sleep with their eyes open. I always think, you know…madmen. Napoleon and all that.
- Lets come back later - when we have to - when they want him upstairs…He gives me the cold slithers.
- Okeydoke. Hope they get him into some place else - for good.

The voices fade away. You can’t help but hear every thing. All sounds echo and amplify in this place.

At the moment; I am inspecting the ceiling, meticulously.

It is dirty-white.

And I am Thinking. I was never asleep. I never sleep. I am in Thought. You can tell by the sound my Brain makes…a distant melody from a flute.

A sound which never stops because it never started.

There is a clatter of doors closing, a long way off; the echoes bounce off the high ceiling and blank walls.

I do not like to be disturbed when I think. I close my self off. In my own private cell. Room enclosed within room.

I get up and and drink from the tap and straighten up. I peer at my reflection. In the mirror. A flat piece of scratched metal screwed into the wall.

My face is dirty-brown. But my hair is straight. My nose is straight. You could take me for a brown and not a black.

I used to watch my body, incessantly, as a baby - my momma told me.

I don’t like my face; I hate my body. Boring. Boring. So I lie back down. After a time. I lie back…and watch my Mind now. I love the inner sounds. Soothing. Cleansing. Comforting. Much more fascinating.

I like the way thoughts emerge, whirl up. Little fountains of light. I can see them all; misty creatures.

The inner realm they call it. Inside, there is a space as big as the universe. Thoughts appear from nowhere and everywhere. And I can see them all. I can feel people’s minds. Can see the thoughts seeping out of the bellies of my friends when I talk to them. Misty creatures. I knew what they meant. I cannot be fooled. I know what they really thought. Of me.

Now. It takes all my time.

Merely watching my mind. No time for tit. No time for chit-chat.

***

- Bail refused.

The hammer blow held my attention.

Ooohh….That was a sickly-green-bitter cold one…don’t like the quality of his thought at all.

I feel hundreds thousands millions of faces look my way. They stare. In a humanoid manner.

An elderly ebony woman comes towards me from out of a mist.

She must think I know her. She keeps calling me “son”. But I don’t think that’s my name.

She must be mad.

Then I move my mouth for the first time since they grabbed me.

No sound. I can make no sound. My mouth moves - but no cry. I shake as an icy thought-ball fires up through the centre of my spine. Thought of fear.

***

Now I’m back in here. Waiting. This place has the smell of stale piss and ancient boiled cabbage.

Why am I here?

I must think about this. A ponder on this matter is the order of the moment.

The door slams open, against the wall, and footsteps approach so slowly towards me.

Those men who think I sleep too much take hold of a body.

My body.

- Someone wants to see you.
- Come on, you.

***

-Hello, son.

This other room is not so blank, not so small, not so dark as my cell. A small table in the centre. Metal grilles at the windows. Different smell. A smell of stale dead fear-sweat.

I sit my body down. The grappling hands leave me. I look across at the man.

Look at him, eyes.

- Son…get your act together. Tell me exactly what happened.

- Snap out of it!

The nasty man who brought me here brings his hands together quickly. Four sharp claps.

- Leave us, Pringle.

The nasty man leaves.

This chair feels hard.

- You can talk just to me, son. Tell me now.

I’m trying. I am trying very hard. There’s this mind-screen in here. I’ll go deeper into my mind. The mind-screen is leather-soft. It’s hiding a small cluster of cells on the right hand side of the brain.

And I am trying, really hard, to pierce it.

So I can remember everything. Find my way out again. Back out there. Or here. Or wherever everyone else lives. I’ll find out why I’m where I am.

There is a core deep inside me where there are no raw feelings, no emotions. I can escape.

All that I like to do is to watch my self. I know everything that has gone before. Teachers used to say things…

…Retentive memory…
…Marvellous mind…
…brilliant…such a nice quiet boy…
…hardly makes a sound…
…quiet…not a word…

There is this screen here, though.

It covers over a few hours of life that I feel I should remember.

I am trying very hard.

- Your friends say it was you. Your friends blame you. Your friends have been released. You’ve got to tell me everything. The truth. Otherwise they’ll keep you in here for a long time.

Don’t you think I want to remember. Want to know exactly what happened. I want to know why even more though. I like to get beneath the surface layers of things. I like to watch the motivation behind all thoughts. Interesting. Fascinating. I’ve always wanted to be a psychiatrist. And sit on the other side of the table.

- You are in real big trouble. Do you understand that? I’m a doctor. I can help you, son.

The man pushes his glasses further down the bridge of this nose, and leans towards me. His face distorts and fills the whole of my vision, from horizon to horizon.

- You are seriously in trouble.

I hope that I’m not. It’s all a mistake. And if you’re my friend, doctor - then let me alone to think.

There’s a spinning pain just behind my forehead - I’m concentrating harder than ever before.

If you do it right you get pictures…in colour. In sound. Close my eyes…Be still. Concentrate. Think. Concentrate…then you you will be able to contemplate.

***

Back in the cell. I can hear voices.

- I reckon it’s drugs.
- Don’t think so.
- Well he’s not said a word. Not natural. Doubt if he’s even heard a thing that’s been said to him. Not natural. Doesn’t even recognise his girlfriend.
- Shock. Gone bonkers. Clean out. That’s all. Seen it before.
- This bad?

If only they knew. That I was saner than any of them. I could - think. I could see - thoughts. I had beaten them all to it.

***

-Suspend…pending further…psychiatric reports…history of…sanity…

Wooden benches in court are hard too. The dock wall is so high I have to stretch my neck to see whose voice keeps fading in and out of my brain. Something strange is happening. I can’t hear everything that goes on.

I can see mouths opening and closing and twisting, quite plainly. Must be too busy. Thinking and trying to break into this memory cluster. I am detaching. Pluperfectly.

- Let me help…Last chance…all about it…asylum…no, treatment
home…special treatment…

Retreat into the brain.

They think the brain is grey and wet. It isn’t.

It’s violet and soft. Like deep space.

Sparkles of colour ecplode here and there. The cells light up as the mind activates the brain…a perfect computer.

My body seems to be moving in a moving room. They’re moving the carcass that holds the brain that contains the mind that holds me. I am a small spot of light.

A person is a spot of brilliant light that sits in the body and movs it
through, touching people, holding life.

I just got a little lost is all.

At last. It is time. I’ve found a way in through the screen. The memory-cell is vulnerable right at this point, just here. I’ll penetrate it.

I’m beginning to see now.

There was a party.

Exams over, college finished for summer. Neil throws a party to celebrate. Celebrate being adults.

-…I can get you out, says the doctor. Back to your parents…Home..back to that girl of yours…what a doll - remember?

The friend means Nancy.

Nancy. Not exactly my Juliet. Not the pedestal princess I dreamt of at twelve. But what I do get is a girl with white willing tangible flesh. Eyes that go liquid at the right time. And skin with the smell of the soft-life.

- I thought you were tired, Nancy says.

-Take it off, I say, in the time I used to have a voice.

- Winstanley!

I once told her that she smelt like rose-petals.

I admit, though, secretly, that she’s not rose-soft, just skin-soft.
Nicely-proportioned - I’ll give you that.

But then ninety per cen of seventeen year old nymphets are bodyripe; look around. She’s nineteen now, I think.

And at the party I couldn’t take my eyes off.

I was thinking, pretty vividly, some ultra-pleasant thoughts about her.

Usually I don’t like disco-parties. You have to go there to play a game. Dance ten feet apart and see how long you can keep your hands off; growing crazy watching something erotic twitch and root for attack. Last one to grab, wins. I’m a born loser there.

This dress that Nancy wore had cunning splits engineered into it. It hugged her thighs and the satin material sprakled in the pulsing lights.

-Come on have another drink, Winstanley!

Neil, the genial host. We chatted and drank ourselves into the mood.

Dark vague shapes turned and twisted. Twin monster teak-boxes thud out the disco-cipher. A new dance - twitch and roll.

I can see the lights. I am there right now. Re-living. There is only the Now in the brain; there is no past tense.

The music changed. A quiet dance. Nancy presses up close, at last.

And a familiar alcohol mist crept up my legs. It fawned for few moments.

And then it embraced me whole.

I was free.

My hands for the message. With cunning intensity they began to arouse a surrender from her softest zones. Her hair cuddled my cheek and I open my eyes for a look-round.

Most couples, dancing happy. But not Neil and Julie.

They were in each other’s arms and that, but Mick Lankey is limping drunk around them, says:

- Just one dance.

-Go away, Julie repeats.

Not many people like Lankey.

As for me, the first time I saw him, his nose made my ind up.

He has this pecualiar nose.

Ever see a nose that was proud of itself?

You’ll agree that noses are ugly things, generally. Noses are things that have no right to be proud. They should hang there unobtrusively. Sort of limp and sorry they had to be around at all. Nancy’s nose was better than most. Least it had a better excuse to be on a face. It was small and what you’d call pert. It made you want to rub your own against it. Cold germs loved us.

Lankey’s eyes had a worse time of it; some kind of rheum oozed out the corners, especially when he was in a relaxed condition. When he was drunk, he was relaxed.

He wasn’t anybody’s idea of a heart-throb.

Instead of sitting meek and quiet, he let the alcohol grab hold of him. Not having a steady girl he got to be a real thorn at parties and things.

His lack of personality bothered the lads.

While he bothered girls.

And the thought of female bothered him; he was a hefty and active virile-type lad, you see.

I hear Neil mouth fury a little while later.

He leads Julie away, leaves Lankey. In the middle. Reeling with a glass of something.

I begin to have thoughts of irritation.

After all, no one had invited him. I drink a little bit more.

I’m an avid drinker but don’t get drunk as a rule; generally.

I watch myself too deeply. All these great glowing clouds, misting vision, filling my ears with thunder.

Sometimes I become sleepy and the thoughts drift and lose their sharp colours. One complete haze.

I feel sort of romantic. What Nancy calls an urge.

I lead Nancy-doll into the far recesses of the room, dark smooching couples all about. Set her down between a speaker and a bookcase. We wrap arms about each other and enjoy each other’s company for a while.

A dew of perspiration twinkles to the surface of her brow. And she begins to breathe much quicker. She whispers:

- King and Kong getting a bit too adventurous.

Nicknames.

I maintain that my body is separate from my mind.

I reason: isn’t every cell within a body replaced completely in seven-year cycles? Not as permanent as mind you see. Nothing to do with the real me. At all. My hands can’t be held responsible if they take an over-enthusiastic liking to her body.

The music changes again. Too loud, too regular. Marvellous.

I notice things the others don’t seem to.

A murky glow-red-atmosphere seeps down the walls, drips from the ceiling, rears up from the ground. I hear the sound of compressed thoughts when I focus on the mist.

I have a little picture inside of something grinning hard and cruel. Vomit-red crashes through visions, new vital thoughts emerge from unconscious depths.

I still believe Lankey deserved all he had coming to him: a part of my self still does.

When he tried it on Nancy, I lost control.

Very, very, rare that.

There is this tapping on my should. Someone grabs my collar. I yell.

And I am pulled right off Nancy-doll. I fall onto my back and look for a while at the ceiling, as if I hadn’t quite seen it before.

I hear a scream.

A sound I knew well. This time - burned through with fright instead of rampant pleasure.

I turn my head. Lankey, his back to me, had grabbed hold of her was trying to pull her up. Not another dance…his favourite rancid music was ramming out.

I throw my glass at him, while I thought things over.

Dancing, kissing, grabbing, music, prodding, panting - all stops.

It all stopped - because I had shouted. Leave her - you, or words to that effect! Lankey turns and looks at me.

Surprised on his face. I don’t open my mouth very often.

He did not remain entranced for long.

The red mist comes back into his eyes, and he smiles. He turns away. He grabs Nancy’s long hair, holds her down, and strokes her with the free hands, urgently.

This is unexpected. This is new. Silence. All eyes on Lankey. No one hears the red mist as I do.

I am not used to action. I prefer to act with the mind. However it seems to be up to me.

Therefore, I sort of jump on him. Not with heroic agility, more with confused sluggidity. I slap his nose, deadly-hard.

He lay back on the floor and his eyes looked up through blood. I prepare to jump on him again but Neil puts a hand on my shoulder and says…

- Easy, easy. Cool down.

Someone starts the music up.

But the happy mood does not come back. Many people seem angry.

Blood-crimson mists came out of the walls, attracted by the anger.

I never realised thoughts travelled about in great clouds. Like thought attracted to like thought. I’d always been too busy examining me.

Some time later, I look over.

Lankey again.

He was tearing the clothes off some body.

I see uncommonly strong red pulses travel through his arms, the cloth tears easily. The girl unconscious. I look around and see red glances gleam out of the eyes of the boys.

Lankey is dragged off by several pairs of hands. I glimpse female flesh, dark red bruises.

The guys ram fists and boots into Lankey, together, synchronised rhythm.

Awful systematic penetration. Gnarled hardened weapons.

Secret intimate silence punctuated with broken panting breaths.

Physical exertion. Sweat. Odours. Fluids.

Even now that Lankey is flat out. Stripped, bruised and flattened. They are not finished.

Somebody bursts into the room. Cannot see who.

Anyway, he lets out an excited cry and holds up something.

I recall thinking how out of place it looks. Rope looks good in coloured
pulsating light though. A snake reflecting moving colour.

I cannot, and never would, understand why they allowed that desire into them.

My decent educated friends. I grew up with them. I’d watched their grey transparent thoughts for years. Now this…

…I run into a far corner, alone. Nancy is out of it, alcoholised and
exhausted. I slide down, squeezing and pressing my body into a hiding place. I couldn’t get out. The crowd block the exits.

There is the sound of tight angry laughter from all around me. The darkness lifts up arms and takes me into her bosom.

***

-It’s guilt. Won’t open his mouth, won’t move, won’t respond.
- Aah..complete withdrawal.

They rearrange my legs and hands.

King and Kong.

Now impotent, no longer admirers of female flesh, lie still.

I sit inside a cell. Body-prison.

Ultimate suppression. Final control.

- Look at the lake…
- Got a surprise for you…Here she is…
- Say hello then…

Dimly.

I recall tight dresses, with splits. This one is bright green and hugs the
owner extremely well.

- Darling…brought something for you…Look at me…please…

Seems familiar that face. That body looks friendly to me.

King and Kong lie still.

I seem to have forgotten every thing except one picture…

***

Lankey looks across at me as they toss him, pretending it’s his birthday. He begs, struggles and kicks as they reach out to catch him for maybe the thirtieth time. Noise. Laughter and agony. He is sober, so am I…

Then I let out a scream from the centre of me. The first sound. My first and only sound.

I’d been used to many different pictures, different visualisations inside my head. Some sensuous, some terrible.

I could never bear feeling a violent thought. The uncontrolled feelings,
violently vibrant emotions.

I would never survive seeing the final, the very last picture I had allowed to build within my brain.

The last event which had taken permanent living root within that brain-cell.

***

The lake ripples in the sunlight. Two different voices.

- Strange case. Been out of it for ten days. Ever since they brought him from sentencing.
- Lets take him closer to the lake. Fine day like this - he should be out in the air. Hey you, laddie, you should be out in the light, shouldn’t you?

A large ovoid face comes into vision, horizon to horizon. Gentler, kinder voices than before.

- Right…I won’t bother with the blanket….

I can only hear now and then. The inner flute sound, and the thunder within, takes over much more now.

I don’t seem to be able to concentrate on anything for too long now. I can only see the outside now and then. I can’t seem to unfix my eyes.

Not like before.

- Put your legs up on the sill of the chair, lad.
- Don’t bother. He can’t hear you at all. Just wheel him closer.
- Sometimes they can hear.

You see, to be perfectly transparent with you, I’d pierced the screen. I’d broken through to the essence of the memory-cell.

Only it had closed behind me and I can’t escape back into the world of big fluid thoughts. Can’t get out of this one mind-cell.

I can see only one picture with complete clarity..

I feel no pain. I vaguely sense a female face with the pretty nose. I look into a pair of liquid eyes.

She wails, her mouth shapes tears.

I can’t hear her though.

I can’t hear those men anymore. I can’t hear this girl.

She seems to flicker. Her knees seem to go weak. She fades from vision.

I turn to the lake. Ripple-bright under sunlight.

Turn away from this girl who seems to know me.

I turn to the lake.

The lake has just one image impressed over its surface.

My one and only picture.

My only thought.

Big and in living technicolour, wherever I look:

There’s a person.

Covered in wounds, body dangles.

Guys stand him on a chair. Then kick it away.

Loud screams and laughs.

This person’s face convulses and goes through colour changes.

Pink; red; to white, then blue…

I think the one Thought.

Because I can no longer recall any other.

I have a picture of two enormous eyes, depthless terror.

Suddenly flicking wide open, in a bloodless face.

The eyes stare wide. Unseeing. At me.

***

©1984, 2007 AVANTI KUMAR. All rights reserved.

Words: 3590
This is a work of pure fiction and any resemblance to living persons is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Icebow over Langkawi

solarhalo-over-langkawi.jpg

The recent appearance of a solar halo above the skies of Langkawi is a phenomenon similar to a rainbow, except that it is formed by the refraction of sunlight through suspended ice crystals, instead of raindrops.

A sign of changing times?

In older days, such a sign was apparently an ill omen of things to come.

To one living in Asia, the West appears relatively stable.

“But we hear of shifts happening every day. Weather, political games, crime — the insane things that people think and act out seem to be increasing in infamous splendour,” said psychologist Dr Gerard Hoffman on a recent visit to Kuala Lumpur.

In Asia, the situation is fast moving on two major fronts: environmental challenge, behind rapid economic growth. The region is the hot spot of pollution and easy money.

And there is the culture mix. This is a multi layered every day interaction of people; the interplay of beliefs and ways of life.

Hoffman added, “The political scene is a mirror of the clash of three aspects of the mind, the subconscious, conscious and superconscious - though many say that there is little evidence of any sort of seasoned mind working anywhere in the universe of lies, blatant and self deceptions which is politics at its worst.”

Malaysia is about to celebrate 50 years of independence at the end of August. If the undercurrents described by the nation’s leading bloggers are any indication, a growing number of Malaysians are questioning whither they’ve been led, and who is best to lead the way into future days.

After the celebrations and thrills end this month, many expect a snap general election.

Whither will the country go in the next 50 years?

As foreign observer in lovely Malaysia, I blindly hope for the best to win through.

- Kuala Lumpur, 14 August 2007




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